This question has been on my mind a lot lately. Like many first-time moms, I thought I had it all figured out. But one night, just before falling asleep, my 2-year-old said, “Mommy is my friend, and Daddy is my friend.” Without thinking, I responded, “I am not your friend; I am your mommy.” He fell asleep, but I was left with a strange feeling. I couldn’t shake the sense of disappointment in my answer. Why was that? I was sure I had the “right” answer, but I didn’t feel comfortable with it.
After a lot of thought, I realized the answer that brought me peace: “Daddy and Mommy are friendly parents.” That’s the message I want my son, Colin, to remember—that we’re here for him and that he can tell us anything. Yes, there are consequences for actions, because that’s how children learn responsibility. But in our family, consequences don’t mean punishment; that’s a whole other conversation.
I think a true friendship between parents and children is something that grows over time. Perhaps it’s the final stage of parenting, if we’ve done it well. Friendship might be a goal for later, a reward of sorts, something to look forward to when the groundwork has been laid.
And yes, there’s a lot of work involved to get there. I like to think of my child as the garden of my soul. Every time I explain something to him—helping him understand a new concept—I think of how it will help him in the future. If I’m patient with him now, he’s likely to grow into a patient, nurturing adult.
Rules and consistency are essential when raising children, and that’s why I don’t fully agree with the idea of being “friends” with a toddler. It’s hard to imagine myself saying, “Sweetheart, would you mind lowering your voice a bit?” or “Honey, could you please put your toys away?” And if he said “no,” what would I say then? “Oh, okay, keep screaming, it’s fine,” or “Sure, leave the toys out—I’ll clean them up later.”
Instead, I have a different approach. At home, my son knows we have rules. When he screams for attention, I might say, “Colin, remember the house rules? Lower your voice.” But sometimes, that doesn’t work, so I get creative. I might say, “Oh no! The walls got scared! How about we lower our voice and let them rest?” Toddlers love stories, so if you’re struggling to stop a behavior, try making a story out of it.
Another key part of being a good parent, I believe, is giving our children the “gift” of limits. Yes, a gift! Limits provide structure and security. For example, if you’re play-fighting with pretend swords and your child starts hitting your face or pulling your hair, it’s important to set a boundary. They need to learn that swordplay doesn’t include hurting each other.
So, there’s a difference between being a friend and a “friendly parent.” Friendly parents teach with patience and kindness, but they also set limits and rules. Sometimes, a firm approach is necessary.
I’m a big believer in rules and limits, especially in early childhood. I think children feel loved when they know we set rules because we see them, we know them, and we care about them. Gradually, they begin to understand that they matter to us, and that we want what’s best for them.
Kindness and love are essential in parenting, but let’s not mistake firmness for authoritarianism. Being firm doesn’t mean closing off emotionally. To build authentic connections with our children, we need to create a space where they feel free to express themselves without fear of judgment.
One of my guiding principles is: “Be mindful of what you sow, so that when you harvest, you’ll be satisfied with the yield.”